The holidays are difficult at the best of times; I've recently discovered that I'm a workaholic (that's right... I can't get enough workahol). On top of that, the shit has hit the fan in a couple of other areas as well.
My stress levels have been higher than usual of late, the holidays do that to me. In addition, my ex-wife Jenn, who is still a close friend, was admitted to hospital on the 22nd with heart trouble. They've got her pretty doped up (they released her on the 28th) to keep everything in order and want to see her again in a month. Until then she's been order to take it easy. They've also said she can't work (she's a professional driver). We'll just have to wait and see there...
I went to Kingston for Christmas to spent it at my Aunt's house (my Grandmother was there as well). Benjamin and I had a good Christmas morning, then I took him to the bus station where his Grandmother (Jenn's mom) picked him up and took him to Montreal to spend the week with her.
I went back to my Aunt's place and enjoyed the rest of the day. Late that evening though I found myself feeling very sad... crying inconsolably no less. It took me a little while to figure out why that was: I was crying because my mother had died. As most of you will remember, my mother died in August 1997. At the time it didn't have too much effect on my... I guess it finally caught up on me.
Since then I haven't been myself... admittedly, last week wasn't a normal week, but I haven't been normal myself. In the same way as when you pull a scab off a wound you find raw, sensitive skin underneath, I've pulled off an emotional scab and have found a raw, sensitive psyche underneath. Looks like I actually need to deal with it this time.
It's been quite some time since I've allowed myself to feel anything; I can't say I'm enjoying it. All part of the process though. I have no intention of returning to the "shut down" state I've been living in for so long.
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